Free-Range Flora

An Essay on Plant Rights by PAN*

There sure are a lot of activists these days advocating for the rights of animals - from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to hard-core vegetarians to just plain folks who don’t like to see animals treated badly. Free-range cattle and free-range chickens are testaments to the importance of letting our animal brethren experience a bit of the “natural” side of life before becoming leather car seats and KFC dinners. What I’d like to know is why the vegetarians and their ilk have not taken on the plight of the plant. After all, plants sustain them. Don’t they deserve a bit of freedom too? That’s why I am undertaking the momentous task of starting PAN* - the Plant Advocacy Network. 

 Now I can already hear the protests. We have changed plants so much that they just wouldn’t be able to handle freedom if they had it. After all, they have been dependent on us for such a long time. So I have another plan. We should start with the little things first. As I drive to school each day, I can’t help but be amazed by the neat row upon row of corn in the field - soldiers standing guard in the war against hunger. Hmmm. Perhaps we could start there. Give’m a bit of room to spread those roots out, so to speak. Get a little less regimented. Insert a bit of chaos. We humans speak of “sowing our wild oats” but I wonder that there are any wild oats sowing themselves.

 Now it may seem that I am some sort of twisted plant anarchist. I’m not. Really. While I like the wild chaotic places that nature has provided and can appreciate the neat orderly fields of crops, I have a tendency toward the former. If I had a choice between the wild and the well-tended garden, I would probably rather lean towards the wild. But all in all, I think that these are the extremes. What about a little more shift to the center? Giving plants some freedom from the garden end doesn’t seem so bad. And what about all of those vegetarians fighting for the rights of the animals? I have heard it said in many a debate that the vegetarians must really hate plants. After all, vegetarians don’t seem to respect the fact that the plant has given up its life to sustain them. Gives you pause for thought, doesn’t it? What about a PETA-PAN alliance? I still don’t see why we don’t want to give plants the same kind of rights that we want to afford animals; a place to reach to the sky, to dig deep in the earth - to reach its full plant potential, free from the interference of humans to dictate their constraints of life, free from the chemical bombardment we subject them to on a regular basis. I mean, if it weren’t for the plants being here, we could kiss all of this free air good-bye, all of our energy good-bye. They certainly give an awful lot and we in turn, enslave their cousins.

 So, autotrophs unite! Free yourselves from human bondage. It’s a big old nasty world out there, but you’ve been around for a long time. Perhaps you can get yourselves a PAC to lobby congress or work on some other PR campaign. Of course, if you do a print job, some of you will have to sacrifice yourselves for the paper. I also think that you’ll have to tackle those vegetarians, they can’t seem to see the forest for the trees - if you’ll pardon the expression. 

And I just can’t wait to see the new labelling requirements that proclaim - “This product is made with free-range flora”. 

*Pan - From Greek meaning “all”. He was the God of “Wild Places” and chaos.

 This essay was last revised on June 29, 1999.